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Anger management for your children.

post #1 of 10
10/14/11 at 1:43pm
Thread Starter 
One of the things I deal with is my almost 11 year old being totally out of proportion in his emotions. I know a lot of it is his ADHD/OCD...and part of it is a side effect from the meds. As they wear off, he looses control. However, I am having more and more issues when he is at home in the afternoons with just my teenagers. He won't do what they say, and when they push it (why they can't understand NOT to push it..that HE will be the one in trouble when I get home if he doesn't do something I told him to is a whole 'nother issue!), he gets MAD. Today it was over picking up his shoes. He DID pick them up, but instead of putting them in his room, he put them neatly in the entry way. I personally do NOT have a problem with that, but when my 15 year old DID, he went nuts...screaming, hitting the wall, etc. I am ready to lock them in a room together and see who comes out the winner, I sweat. Anyone have any suggestions?
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post #2 of 10
10/14/11 at 2:18pm
Maybe tell the older kids, that they are not to tell him what to do, unless he is fixing to harm himself or somebody else. If he has ADHD/OCD, he has a lot to deal with already. And having different "bosses" at different times, can be stressful on anybody, and certainly on someone with with ADHD/OCD.

Have a talk with all of the kids, together. Tell them they you will tell the 11yr old, what his chores are, and if he doesn't do them, he has to answer only to you. Remind them, that they are the big brother and sisters, not his mother.

Then tell the 11 yr. old, that if he doesn't do the chores, then he WILL answer to you and only you. He has a lot going on, so I probably would add an extra treat if he does do his chores, without any fits.

If this doesn't help, I would seek professional help for him.
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post #3 of 10
10/14/11 at 2:32pm
Thread Starter 
Thanks Ruthie. That pretty much sums up what I am going to do. I have already spoken to him by phone and text (Sometimes it helps to use multiple senses to get through to someone...so hearing it and seeing it were two I could offer on the spot.). When he told me he couldn't help how he reacted when they did things like that to make him mad, I corrected him and told him he COULD. When he didn't agree, I told him that if he felt that out of control, he needs to stop a minute, even if it means locking himelf in the bathroom for the minute, and pray that God helps him to figure out the right way to deal. I also, and you know I hate doing so, asked my ex to please talk to him. He says he had planned on it. Uh huh. Yep. Sure. But at least now maybe he WILL.
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post #4 of 10
10/14/11 at 3:18pm
I would think it might be somewhat hard on your younger kids with a new baby coming in. Maybe they feel jealous or like they're not getting attention? I would tell your 15 year old to back off. She's not the mother and it seems she's not good at dealing with him. I'd just reinforce with her that she can tell him something (or not if that's your preference) but then to drop it and you'll deal with it when you get home. Is your teen son still at home? Does he deal with him better?
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post #5 of 10
10/14/11 at 3:47pm
I agree with what's been said and what you have decided. It really isn't up to them to boss him around. They can gently remind him of his chores and that if they are not done, he will have to report to you about it. However, when it comes to basic safety and supervision, your teens do have authority. He has to listen to them regarding that.

Truthfully, shoes around the house (which you even said didn't bother you) are things I just gave up nagging about. It wasn't worth the battle and hard feelings. If it was important to me, I collected their junk and dumped it in their room. Out of my sight, and I was happy.
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post #6 of 10
10/15/11 at 8:38am
I am assuming he is on medication. Have you had a med check on him lately? Is he meeting with a therapist? When a kid tells me they cannot control their emotions, sometimes, they really cannot control their emotions.
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post #7 of 10
10/15/11 at 10:47am
Just a lil' food for thought. Often, kids express depression physically and it looks like anger to us. I learned this when my 5 year old son was SO ANGRY all.the.time. EVERYthing was SO personal. His feelings were just so OVER THE TOP in response to everyday stuff.

Turns out he was clinically depressed over his loser of a dad that we'd left.. but lil' kids often don't express depression like we typically think.. sad, crying, quite, withdrawn, etc. Often times it is exactly the OPPOSITE. We 'see' anger, but they're actually, truly depressed.
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post #8 of 10
10/15/11 at 1:17pm
All three of my boys began flying off the handle more when they were in Jr High. I attribute it to fluctuating hormones & puberty. That might be a part of it for your son too. I learned with my oldest that when they get that wound up, you can't really reason with them. Once they calmed down, I would talk to them about why they flew off the handle and we would talk about ways to handle their anger or calm themselves down. It does seem to help if you keep at it. Sometimes in the middle of a "fit" they'd realize they were overreacting, but just didnt know how to calm down.
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post #9 of 10
10/19/11 at 9:04am
I will grab W's bag of strategies. They are calming/redirection techniques.

Tell Z that you are the parent and he is not to parent unless R is harming himself or others. Period. He doesn't get to 'boss' him. That was Z just bossing b/c he was the one 'in-charge'

Also, R might needs a short term booster med in the afternoon. We started doing this and it has made a huge difference. Things are back to level here.
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post #10 of 10
10/19/11 at 10:08am
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by melsb View Post

I am assuming he is on medication. Have you had a med check on him lately? Is he meeting with a therapist? When a kid tells me they cannot control their emotions, sometimes, they really cannot control their emotions.

We talked to his dr. on Friday who 100% agreed that it was all pointing to upping his meds. The dr. said this is classic signs of needing it. He is having problems concentrating at school, and the emotional outbursts go hand in hand. He was actually suprised we hadn't already. So, we bumped him up a dosage AND added an afternoon low dose. Now we just wait for the strep throat to go away to try it!!
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Mommysavers › Forums › General Discussion › Family Matters › Special Needs › Anger management for your children.