Are there unforgivable sins in a marriage or even a friendship? - Page 2

Quote:

Originally Posted by christy'smom 

It's me.. who said forgive in the other thread.  

 

Forgiveness in a marriage, on which years was spent is essential to keep a marriage alive.  It is not necessary that you have to go through abuse, etc etc...take time alone, go for counseling, give it a good try, before you call it quits

 

This is what was read at our wedding - from 1 Corinthians:

 

 

⁴ Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵ It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶ Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷ It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

 ⁸ Love never fails.

 Love is all of the things above. But so is trust and honoring the other person and their feelings and rights. They have the right, not to be cheated on. They have the right to have a spouse or partner that they can depend on and lean on when they need to. Any kind of relationship takes work from both parties. And sometimes you can just forgivesomeone so many times, before you realize that the other person is not trying to make the marriage/relationship work. And probably in that case, the other person (that didn't try) really didn't love the other person like they should have.

Quote:

Originally Posted by ruthie 

 Love is all of the things above. But so is trust and honoring the other person and their feelings and rights. They have the right, not to be cheated on. They have the right to have a spouse or partner that they can depend on and lean on when they need to. Any kind of relationship takes work from both parties. And sometimes you can just forgivesomeone so many times, before you realize that the other person is not trying to make the marriage/relationship work. And probably in that case, the other person (that didn't try) really didn't love the other person like they should have.

 

Totally agree - forgiveness comes into play only if both parties want to work on the relationship - not just one.  

Unforgivable sins in marriage - as far as the abuse goes, I am very much of a believer that none should be tolerated.  Mental, physical, etc.  Now a shove.  (Dh never shoved me just wanted to make that clear!) Well I guess it depends on what kind of shove.  Was it a 'you are annoying me and get out of my way' and they Push you out of the way kind of shove?  I'm not saying Push as in to hurt you.  I'm saying push as in get out of my way (like if someone had a fight and wanted to be by themselves.  Sure it's wrong.  But would I pack my bags?  No.  I would tell them they are not to lay a finger on me again when they are in that kind of a mood, but if it was just a gentle push then no.  If it continued though, then things have gotten way out of hand and there is probably not too much left that I'd want to save.

But a Shove, as in "Oww! You hurt me!" (and meant to, or maybe didn't even mean to but it was forceful) ...that would probably be the deal breaker for me.  I don't want to live like that, I don't want ds to see husbands treating their wives like that.

Like Phoenix, I do not forgive easily and I certainly don't forget easily if at all.  I think in some horrific circumstances you 'forgive' someone but you are more 'letting it go' in order to get on with life.  Infidelity is a tricky thing because I think in some instances you Can maybe not forgive and forget but try again, since I think in a lot of cases infidelity is more the symptom of more going wrong in the marriage.

When it involves ds, is where i have the hardest time forgiving.  I was bullied at school for three years and to this day I would never forgive the person who bullied me.  I'd be happy if they rotted in hell, to tell the truth.  So now when ds might be teased (in our old neighborhood) I took it very badly because it brought up so many of MY old feelings.  Yes in his case it was silly (albeit mean) childhood stuff, but no I would never forgive those idiots that teased him and made him feel badly about himself.  One of our (old) neighbors had a bad dream about one of the kids that teased ds and though I'd never admit this in real life, I dont' know how bad I'd feel if that dream came true, (I won't go into details about the dream).  My first instinct when someone inflicts pain on me or my loved ones is inflict it right back onto them, wrong or not.

There's a difference between forgiveness and condoning / complying.  That's why I agree that I may forgive someone, but that does not mean that I will continue to let them treat me badly.  It means that I've made my peace with a higher power.

I agree with you, SCMom. I had a huge fight with my only sister almost 2 years ago and we have not repaired our relationship. I forgave her a while ago and I apologized to her for sticking my nose in her business. But we are better off not having a relationship, at least for now. She is raising her children and living a lifestyle that I can't wrap my brain around and she treats our mother like garbage. She is not a nice person. So while she would really like to get back to the way things were, I am not able to do that. 

DH and I discussed this before we got married - we called them deal breakers.

Abuse - DH knows quiet well that physical abuse will not be tolerated - while we were still friends one of my ex's tried to "get me in line" which resulted in him receiving a "talking" to by my brother and my guy friends at the time. Never heard from him again. Emotional abuse is something I never realized my ex before DH acually did until three years in the relationship I had an ahhh moment. DH took along time to help me heal.

Abuse - here if they are willing to go through the process of cleaning up - and staying on the right path - and not endangering my children i will stand by himi.

Infedelity - here is where we draw the line. Thats our deal breaker. The rest of the stuff can be dealt with through counceling (not abuse ) and learning to trust and forgive each other for not being perfect. DH and I were friends for five years before even dating - my mom said - when the love struggles and starts to slip the rock of your friendship is still there to build it back up.

Quote:

Originally Posted by christy'smom 

It's me.. who said forgive in the other thread.  

 

Forgiveness in a marriage, on which years was spent is essential to keep a marriage alive.  It is not necessary that you have to go through abuse, etc etc...take time alone, go for counseling, give it a good try, before you call it quits

 

This is what was read at our wedding - from 1 Corinthians:

 

 

⁴ Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵ It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶ Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷ It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

 ⁸ Love never fails.

This is part of my problem with forgiveness. If forgiveness means that you treat the wrong as if it never happened, then, IMO, forgiving someone who harmed you is akin to giving them permission to do it again, since there are no consequences.