Whew! Okay, let's take a breath and calm ourselves. I so understand where you're at. I have a weird family dynamic, too, and have often felt abandoned or unprotected by some of my family members in favor of another who has done me wrong.
While the 16-yr old clearly needs help and intervention, you are not the person to do that. Your relationship just isn't - nor will it ever be - the kind where anything you do will be seen as "helping". Any effort on your part to help her will only worsen the already awful family dynamic that is going on. The best you can do is pray that someone close to her intervenes. Let's lift that expectation off you.
From my own perspective of being much in the same kind of family, I have to question the desire to "honor" your father and mother. I think the need to stay engaged is deeper than that. By your own report, only your father believes you. If you stop going to see your parents, you lose the one ally you've got in the family. Without you being there your dad could start believing all the naysayers in the family and turn against you. That would be a huge emotional loss. And if you stop going to see your parents - if you put your foot down - it justifies all the stuff everyone else is saying about you. If you stop being the "good girl" you might lose your family forever. They'll turn their backs on you as soon as you refuse to continue in the game. That's a risky proposition when you already have lost so much.
The problem is, once we're abused and abandoned as children, it becomes very difficult to know where to set boundaries as adults. Our boundaries have been violated so many times, we can't get a sense of where normal limits are supposed to be. We are driven to make everything okay and take on much more than we should. We help everyone else - the child that needs a home, the family that needs food, the parents that didn't protect us - but never ourselves. You've already got so much on your plate - a hubby with multiple medical problems and at least one high-needs child. This is what abused children do. We keep piling it on because we don't know that a healthy "no" even exists.
My own experience is that there is no way to safely keep playing the family's game. It is either black or white. Engage or disengage. I opted to disengage. I simply couldn't allow the hurts inflicted on me by my family to keep happening. I didn't want more bad memories. I didn't want that for my kids. I especially drew the line when I saw my family engage my husband in their emotional tug of war. My husband - the natural peacekeeper (who else would I have chosen as a mate?) - wanted to side with everyone in the family when I felt strongly he needed to be on my side; be my protector - the protector I never had. I had to disengage so that dynamic would end.
I love my family but I can't see them in a group. I can see them one-on-one, with limits, and with an escape plan. This is why I recommended that you see your parents when your brother isn't there. Be pleasant about it. Tell mom and dad you're doing it so as to not cause any hardship ON THEM. You don't want to create a tense environment for them in their own house. You want them to be able to enjoy the time with their grandchildren and you, not worry about what new thing brother might do that will upset you.
Edited by Cookie2 - 6/19/12 at 12:05pm
