You also need to learn what his triggers are. What sets him off with the craving of drinking. This will help you, and even him, become more aware of what is causing him to drink.
And has he checked out AA? It is such a great program.
Missy, whether you drink in front of him or not, it will not cause him to drink or prevent him from drinking. I stand by that. You have absolutely no control over his drinking. You can clean the house out of alcohol and he will bring it in if he is still drinking. Why drive yourself crazy trying to stop him from drinking? You can't. He has to want to. He has to see that he has a problem, but he still doesn't. He is in total denial. He thinks this was just one small mistake, granted, a costly one. However, from what you say, he still thinks he can drink responsibly. You said he went a week without drinking and is drinking again. Many alcoholics can go without drinking daily, then they binge. My feelings are to do what you need to do to be happy...forget about what you think you can do to stop him from drinking. If that is having a drink every once in awhile, so be it. If it is not drinking in front of him, so be it. I know that you are financially strapped right now and I am so sorry you have to go through all this with absolutely no help from him right now. Just get your butt to Al Anon. AND tell him you are going. The mere fact that you are seeking recovery may even help him out of his denial and seek his own recovery.
He's drinking--he hasn't committed to give it up. That is the point I am making. Why should she stop doing whatever it is that brings her a little bit of happiness--even if it is a drink once in awhile? She needs to be happy despite the fact that he is drinking. And yes, I have several family members who are alcoholics. I have been going to Al Anon regularly for many years. Do you go to Al Anon regularly?
If he decided to commit to recovery, then, yes I agree. It might help to support him by not drinking in front of him. However, so far he has not committed to this.
For some reason, half way through this thread the issue turned to Missy's drinking, not her hubby's.
It doesn't matter if he goes to AA (well, yeah it does, but Missy can't control that.) All that really matters is the Missy goes to Alanon. Really, I mean it. It can make a huge difference. He has support. He has a therapist. He is going to get more support when he goes to rehab. Missy has nothing - very few people she can talk to. Alanon meetings are the one place where she will be understood.
Here is the link ...
No I havn't found a job. I have been looking, but Walmart didn't even call me. I work PT on weekends and Perdeim. I make $125 a week without perdiem work.
NO he isn't going to rehab. The truth is, he isn't ready for that. I can't make him do anything. We have now been living this life since the middle of May, and I will admit things have gotten a MILLION times better than they had in the past. He has gotten better, not perfect, but better. I am trying not to be so angry, and let go of the anger and resentment I had toward him, and that has gotten bettedr as well. I am not interested in going to AlAnon. I have support of family and friends and thats what I want right now. He sees someone every monday and he feels that is helping him. The point of that is to get to the root of the problems and stop the self medicating, and he is doing better. Like I said he still drinks, but isn't drunk all the time anymore.
We still have wine in the house and he won't drink it. I don't make a habit of drinking in front of him, I might start a drink (and I'm a slow drinker so thats my fault) when he isn't home, but he'll walk in and see me drinking. I'm not intentionally trying to sabatoge him, but it might look that way. I'll try to be more careful about it because I do want him to be better. My kids and I deserve better than this.
And GOOD NEWS! His work permit should be here thsi afternoon, he should be going back to work TONIGHT! Hopefully he'll get paid for today and tomorrow, because we are BROKE, and he isn't getting a paycheck for the last 2 weeks.
I do not agree if you want him to STOP you have to STOP also and be supportive that is what they are going to tell you when you do counseling if he does go into a program, THERE is to be NO alcohol in the HOUSE. Heck my mom was told to go home and dump NyQuil, rubbing alcohol, and all cold meds. They even went as far as hairspray ( that was hard with 3 teenage girls in the 80's tho) It is no different than being on a diet and him eating a giant snickers in front of you if that analogy helps. OH and if it was just beer it he could venture to other forms if they are there. They all have the same effect in the end.
I agree with this as well. Just because he doesn't drink what you do, to me it's the act of being supportive that he needs. I know how stressed you are, but you drinking because of the stress isn't good for You either and might just create a problem for you as well down the line.
I agree that things are much better than you originally thought about the job. Somehow you are going to have to find out how he's getting money to buy alcohol and extract it from him to pay for the bills. I don't know, if he's not willing to do that for you and your family, I think I would evaluate MY options. I know marriage is for better or for worse, BUT there are exclusions in my mind and him being in that situation, not having $$ to pay the bills HE brought on the family, you being so stressed out about it, and him apparently not caring, him being an alcoholic (even as a bystander I can see that he probably is...I have them in both my and dh's family) IMO you Need to have that Come To Jesus talk with him.
I'm not saying if he immediately doesn't dry up you leave him, but if he doesn't see a problem, to me that is the first thing he needs to realize. Personally if he doesn't change I can't see any good coming out of this marriage wise. I'd start planning now on what you are going to do - stay with him, leave him, even though it might be further down the line. Personally I would never stay with an alcoholic, just have seen how it so messes with the other person's life. I have an aunt that has dealt with it from her dh for over 50 years and I can see why she stayed when the kids were small (there was six of them, and each and every one is an alcoholic now). I woudn't want my kids to grow up in an environment like that.
I also know you are venting, but in my mind you either quit drinking in front of him and work with him (Come to Jesus talk) or make plans to do without him. I know it is not black and white, but you either support him (work like hell to make the marriage work by supporting him and help him as much as you can with this problem) or cut yourself off from him. Frankly I think both ways are just as reasonable depending on what you want in the future.
Sorry if that all sounded harsh. I'm not worrying about him, Missy, I'm worrying about you and your kids. Maybe the first step is deciding what YOU want, not what you had, but what you want from this right at this point in time. If things continue down this path, is this what you want? Im not trying to be flip. But you have to have a heart to heart with yourself and say #1 If nothing changes, do I want to live this way? Plenty of people do. Like I said my aunt has for over 50 years. They basically are retired and live separate lives in the same house. My aunt is a smart woman, and she knows for HER for some reason that we can't see, this is what she ultimately wants.
#2 If this - if it continues - is Not what you want, how can you get out of it? Even if you think you want to stay with him, I'd start making plans now $$ wise in case it gets to the point where you want to/have to leave. I'd make a whole plan out, then if it does happen, you are prepared. Just because you prepare something doesn't mean it has to be acted on now, or ever. But you'll have a plan. It's obvious he's not going to be looking out for you and the girls, otherwise he would have already, and you said he already got in trouble with something else. I'd be planning my future based on what is going on right Now. I'm so sorry you have to go through this, it totally stinks.