Who wants an update from me? - Page 3

Missy, your house needs to go completely dry, including you, if you hope your husband will ever sober up himself. Right or wrong, he will use your responsible drinking as an excuse to drink himself.

You also need to learn what his triggers are. What sets him off with the craving of drinking. This will help you, and even him, become more aware of what is causing him to drink.

And has he checked out AA? It is such a great program.

I agree. When my dad got out of rehab he joined AA and I credit it for helping him stay sober. In the beginning he practically lived there. One of the few times I was ever annoyed at my mother was when she complained about how much time he was there (they actually had a house called the Token Club where the people would hang out, play cards, etc). I thought to myself, "What? You'd rather he go back to being a falling down drunk?" They of course don't have to do THAT, but the meetings and having a sponsor can really help. It's people who have been through (or going through) the same experience who will understand when they're tempted, or understand if family isn't being supportive, or understand how much it may change their family's lifestyle. As time went on, my father went less & less, and then finally stopped going to the Token Club once he didn't need that anymore. I think going to AA meetings though might really help your DH. I think it's a A GREAT program too!!

Missy, whether you drink in front of him or not, it will not cause him to drink or prevent him from drinking.  I stand by that.  You have absolutely no control over his drinking.  You can clean the house out of alcohol and he will bring it in if he is still drinking.  Why drive yourself crazy trying to stop him from drinking?  You can't.  He has to want to.  He has to see that he has a problem, but he still doesn't.  He is in total denial.  He thinks this was just one small mistake, granted, a costly one.  However, from what you say, he still thinks he can drink responsibly.  You said he went a week without drinking and is drinking again.   Many alcoholics can go without drinking daily, then they binge.   My feelings are to do what you need to do to be happy...forget about what you think you can do to stop him from drinking.  If that is having a drink every once in awhile, so be it.  If it is not drinking in front of him, so be it.  I know that you are financially strapped right now and I am so sorry you have to go through all this with absolutely no help from him right now.   Just get your butt to Al Anon.  AND tell him you are going.  The mere fact that you are seeking recovery may even help him out of his denial and seek his own recovery.

I'm curious if you've ever dealt with a family member with alcoholism or studied the teachings of AA etc? I doubt they'd agree with you, and as someone who dealt with a horrible alcohol addiction in my family, I disagree with you too. I would think if she is truly interested in saving her DH's job she would do anything in her power to help him along during this difficult stage of giving it up. Sure, it's not her problem, it's his, but I would just think she'd want to HELP him which I would assume most spouses would, and drinking in front of him isn't doing that. Sure, we all want Missy to be happy. But is she going to be happy if he continues to drink and then loses the job totally? Is the happiness of a mojito more than the happiness of her spouse having a job? As someone else said, it would be like me trying to diet and my spouse eating a big old tub of Ben & Jerry's ice cream in front of me nightly. While the weight issue might be mine alone, I wouldn't feel my spouse would be very supportive in doing that. I just think that not drinking is not only the KIND thing to do for her spouse, but it's also the RESPONSIBLE thing to do.

 

He's drinking--he hasn't committed to give it up.  That is the point I am making.  Why should she stop doing whatever it is that brings her a little bit of happiness--even if it is a drink once in awhile?  She needs to be happy despite the fact that he is drinking.  And yes, I have several family members who are alcoholics.  I have been going to Al Anon regularly for many years.  Do you go to Al Anon regularly?

 

If he decided to commit to recovery, then, yes I agree. It might help to support him by not drinking in front of him.  However, so far he has not committed to this.

Missy is in an extra tough space. Not only is her husband dealing with these issues that is effecting their marriage but it also is effecting their main source of income. If she was the main bread winner in their household, I probably would agree with everything you said, Diane, but she is not and so far she has not found an income to replace her husband's to lay all of it on him. So, if I was in her position, i would be doing everything in my power to make sure he continues with his job, while I continued to look for a new job myself and that includes not drinking around him, if it helps. And, honestly, I don't know if it will. You would think, after coming this close to loosing his job and all the stress that he has put his wife and kids through, you would think that would encourage him to sober up. But it appears he has found a way around that, i.e. He just doesn't drink and drive.

The simple fact is, he has not hit the point where he wants to change. He did not hit rock bottom. Yes, he has hit some stress but honestly, everything seems to be working out to his favor. His job is still attempting to work with him. He now has a therapist or someone to talk to about his and only his problems. And Missy has now returned to work full time ... which I believe was something he wanted before this came up, right Missy?

My recommendation, Missy, you need to be looking for an out on the marriage. You need to be putting money away and you need to be looking at a job that can support you and your children. Now, hopefully, he will come to his senses and gets the help that he finally needs and if that is the case, even better you still would have improved your life and your children -- but if he doesn't, you need to start working on finding an exit if that does not happen.

I hope, for your sake, if works out. You and your kids deserve better than what he currently is showing you.

For some reason, half way through this thread the issue turned to Missy's drinking, not her hubby's.

 

It doesn't matter if he goes to AA (well, yeah it does, but Missy can't control that.) All that really matters is the Missy goes to Alanon. Really, I mean it. It can make a huge difference. He has support. He has a therapist. He is going to get more support when he goes to rehab. Missy has nothing - very few people she can talk to. Alanon meetings are the one place where she will be understood.

 

Here is the link ...

 

http://www.al-anon.org/meetings/meeting.html

Have your family members stayed sober? My father did, and I think one of the things that helped him was having supportive family that didn't drink around him. And he WAS not drinking for a few weeks she said. How do we know the temptation from watching her drink isn't what prompted him to take it up again. Maybe, maybe not. Again....I agree it's his issue, but if she wants to help him, she should be supportive in any way she can which includes not drinking.....especially in this beginning stage of attempting sobriety.

I watched my father lose job after job after job. Each one paid less than the one before. He sank so low as to become a night watchman, probably because he though he could drink and not get caught. He even lost that job. I don't think that's the life Missy wants to live. As I said before....the happiness of a drink for her isn't nearly equivalent to the happiness of her DH having a job. You're worried about her temporary happiness. I'm looking at the long term for her.

If you don't want to believe me, then listen to melsb who does this for a living.


I thought she said in an earlier post that she HADN'T been able to find a job and was only making a tad over $100 per week. Hopefully she can find a full time job.


I wasn't aware he was going to go to rehab. Is he?
Edited by aliadam - 7/4/12 at 6:18pm

I agree with this as well.  Just because he doesn't drink what you do, to me it's the act of being supportive that he needs.  I know how stressed you are, but you drinking because of the stress isn't good for You either and might just create a problem for you as well down the line.

 

I agree that things are much better than you originally thought about the job.  Somehow you are going to have to find out how he's getting money to buy alcohol and extract it from him to pay for the bills.  I don't know, if he's not willing to do that for you and your family, I think I would evaluate MY options.  I know marriage is for better or for worse, BUT there are exclusions in my mind and him being in that situation, not having $$ to pay the bills HE brought on the family, you being so stressed out about it, and him apparently not caring, him being an alcoholic (even as a bystander I can see that he probably is...I have them in both my and dh's family) IMO you Need to have that Come To Jesus talk with him.

 

I'm not saying if he immediately doesn't dry up you leave him, but if he doesn't see a problem, to me that is the first thing he needs to realize.  Personally if he doesn't  change I can't see any good coming out of this marriage wise.  I'd start planning now on what you are going to do - stay with him, leave him, even though it might be further down the line.  Personally I would never stay with an alcoholic, just have seen how it so messes with the other person's life.  I have an aunt that has dealt with it from her dh for over 50 years and I can see why she stayed when the kids were small (there was six of them, and each and every one is an alcoholic now).  I woudn't want my kids to grow up in an environment like that.

 

I also know you are venting, but in my mind you either quit drinking in front of him and work with him (Come to Jesus talk) or make plans to do without him. I know it is not black and white, but you either support him (work like hell to make the marriage work by supporting him and help him as much as you can with this problem) or cut yourself off from him.  Frankly I think both ways are just as reasonable depending on what you want in the future.

 

 Sorry if that all sounded harsh.  I'm not worrying about him, Missy, I'm worrying about you and your kids.  Maybe the first step is deciding what YOU want, not what you had, but what you want from this right at this point in time.  If things continue down this path, is this what you want?  Im not trying to be flip.  But you have to have a heart to heart with yourself and say #1 If nothing changes, do I want to live this way?  Plenty of people do.  Like I  said my aunt has for over 50 years.  They basically are retired and live separate lives in the same house.  My aunt is a smart woman, and she knows for HER for some reason that we can't see, this is what she ultimately wants.

 

#2 If this - if it continues - is Not what you want, how can you get out of it?  Even if you think you want to stay with him, I'd start making plans now $$ wise in case it gets to the point where you want to/have to leave.  I'd make a whole plan out, then if it does happen, you are prepared.  Just because you prepare something doesn't mean it has to be acted on now, or ever.  But you'll have a plan.  It's obvious he's not going to be looking out for you and the girls, otherwise he would have already, and you said he already got in trouble with something else.  I'd be planning my future based on what is going on right Now.  I'm so sorry you have to go through this, it totally stinks.  

Edited by Stormy - 7/5/12 at 7:27am