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My heart is breaking. - Page 9

post #81 of 148
Lisa I p m you but annie said it way better than me

big hugs hon

Anne
post #82 of 148
Lisa, it sounds to me like your husband has an addiction problem. Especially if he is having black outs. That is dangerous not only to him, but for you & your kids also.I know from my on past that until he learns to deal with his drinking (& in turn treat himself well...)he won't be able to treat you the way you deserve. As for why you love him sooo much even when he treats you this way...well I think it's simple...you have made your life around him for 12 years. I have been there! My ex & I were together for 6 years. I was a lot like you in that I was 15 when we got together. I spent the next 6 years doing thing I didn't really want to simply because they made him happy. I realize now how lucky I was...I didn't have children to take care of & I came to my senses in time to get out. I also come from a family where my dad was a mean drunk who beat my mom & cheated on her. Even as a kid I knew what was going on & not only did I learn to hate my dad, but I lost all respect for my mom too. So don't stay for the kids sake. Stay only if you can be happy. Your kids will always have 2 parents even if you can't make it work. Better they have 2 happy, healthy, balanced parents than 2 that are miserable.
I will be thinking of you! Good luck no matter what you decide & if you or your dh would like someone to talk to about getting him some help feel free to PM me. I truly think that getting him some help could improve alot of areas for all of you.
post #83 of 148
Lisa - how are you today? I'm glad we talked last night. Anniebananie pretty much summed up what I was trying to tell you last night - there is nothing wrong with YOU. There seems to be a lot wrong with Jose. You are busy raising kids that are HIS TO RAISE TOO, but he's too concerned with drinking with his new buddies to put time into the relationship, or to go looking for a place for you to live, or anything to build your future. You have a lot of self-worth - you just don't know it because he's worn it away. You'll find it again. Crying is fine - better than keeping it inside. But start looking into schools, career options, financial aid, anything. And if you don't have a bank account in your name only, I'd start one.
post #84 of 148
Lisa, you're a friend whether you post a lot or a little. I'm sorry to hear how hurt you are. I'll keep you in my prayers. Try to talk with him to help get a clearer understanding.
post #85 of 148
Quote:
Originally Posted by [b View Post

Quote[/b] (anniebananie @ July 17 2006,09:31)]
Quote:
Originally Posted by [b View Post

Quote[/b] ]**Before I resume answering you all, I just wanted to let you all know that he didn't even call me today. Â*I have been crying almost all day. Â*I can't eat. Â*I couldn't fall asleep until, like, 3 this a.m. Â*Why do I love him so much and why can't he love me? Â*What's wrong with ME?

OK. Â*Let's get one thing clear, right now. Â*THERE IS NOTHING, AND I REPEAT NOTHING, THAT IS WRONG WITH YOU. Â*

Let's look at the facts. Â*

You are staying at home, poor as a church mouse, trying to raise his three children and keep a marriage together. Â*

He is living the bachelor life, drinking with buddies, whoring around, and then tells you that he doesn't have enough cash to put gas in the car. Â*

I think it's pretty clear as to what is wrong with whom, and it ain't you baby.

It's okay to cry. Â*You're crying for so many reasons - you are angry, hurt, confused, and it's okay. Â*But it's not okay to blame yourself, because this isn't your fault. Â*Your husband has abused you and the children and has broken his marriage vows. Â*He is not a man. Â*He has no honor, and should be hanging his head in shame and begging your forgiveness. Â*He is not worthy of you or your love. Â*You know it and I know it. Â*

You are in a co-dependent relationship that can only change if you are willing to change your behavior in that relationship. Â*That may simply mean changing the rules between the two of you - that may mean kicking him to the curb. Â*

Whatever decision you make must not be taken lightly and must be thought through. Â*When you get to that point, let us know, because the women on this board are a wellspring of good advice. Â*

And I have rambled enough for now. Â*I will call you on my drive home. Â*I hope you can take a nap today. Â*Oh, and go hug your children and tell them how much you love them.

AMEN!!

Lisa...it's been said befor ebut it needs to get said again. PLEASE get tested! You'll also need to get tested again in 6 months. It's your health at risk. He did this to you with his actions. This is just another way he can hurt you physically.

I have heard this before and heard Dr. Joy Brown say it this weekend on the radio: Anything you do while you are drunk is something that you wished you could do while sober.

The minute he put himself into the situation it was cheating. He just took it to the next level and now it effects your physical wellbeing as much as your emotional.

It sounds to me like he's already checked out of this marriage. He's just too much of a coward to do anything about it and wants to make you the bad guy because "She couldn't get passed my faults." or "She didn't love me enough to make it work.". It's classic alcoholic and abusive behavior.

I am sorry that this is all piling up on you. It's also scary how similar your story is to my mom's. I think the only difference I see is that you have your dad here and we were stuck over in Germany. Lean on your family and please do not be afraid to tell them everything. They love you and want to be there for you.

We are also here for you. I think about you and your children often and hope that you are safe. Youhave no idea the releif I felt when I saw that you had posted. Even if it was bad news...it was better than no news and being worried about your safety.

Prayers, love & support...

~Amy

p.s. I can PM you my number again if you want it.
post #86 of 148
Lisa,
I don't know what you are going thru but I want to say this. God does not expect you to live under bondage! You are a strong person and I know that you truely love your hubby and that is why you don't feel strong. You are and you can get thru this. I know you can! You will have to be the one who makes the final decision with this. Do what is right for you and your children. Trust God to lead you and guide you thru all of this. He will help you to make the right decision.
I will prob get flamed for this remark, but we need to pray for your hubby too. He has big problems and only God can get him thru this.
I will be praying for you both. ((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))
post #87 of 148
Well I think the fact the creep didn't even call you sort of says it all. He hurts you and doesn't even really care enough to try to make it better. And I agree with those that don't believe he can't scrape together enough to come home and visit. He's paying $25 rent...where's the rest of the money going?? And you said he's trying to save, but have you seen that money or have that money or does he just say that? Does he give you his income?? It sounds like he's pretty much already checked out.

Lisa, I know you think you love him and want desperately somehow to hold on. But that's probably part of the problem. He seems to hold all the power in the relationship because he KNOWS you'll keep putting up with whatever he dishes out. I dated a guy like this in college. He would hurt me horribly and I'd cry and argue with him and even break up for a little bit, but then always go back (at least my guy had the decency to try to make it up to me). But one time while we were broken up I started dating dh. It was amazing to find that there are people you can be with who are dedicated to YOU and don't think only of themselves and don't hurt you all the time. You deserve someone like that. But as long as you keep holding on to your husband you'll never meet them.

I think sometimes it's easy to mistake fear of being alone and dependency for love. You need to get out of this....really. If it's meant for you to be with him, then he'll see what he's done, he'll do something like counselling to make it better, and he'll change his ways. But I guess I'm just pessimistic about it because it's not a "new" problem (maybe the infidelity) but it sounds like he's been controlling you & mistreating you for years.

I guess I'm just having a hard time seeing any good future in this. I'm afraid that if you DO end up moving where he is, then you'll be in a new area with no support and it will be even easier for him to control you and dominate you. I'm really afraid for you if that happens.

Take care of yourself. I'm sure you're overrun with people PMing you, but if want to chat, let me know. Sending you lots of strength to go with that I know you have already hidden.
post #88 of 148
Okay...the fact that his post has genterated 9 PAGES of replies has got to tell you how much we love you!!!
post #89 of 148
Quote:
Originally Posted by [b View Post

Quote[/b] (braegan-beads @ July 15 2006,17:05)]and I don't care how drunk he says he was, you still would know if you did or did not cheat... why would he even put himself in that postion knowing he was there to make a better life for his wife and children...

I totally agree with Mindy on that.

I'm praying for you Lisa! We all know how strong you are...take a deep breath & continue to pray.

xoxo,
Andrea
post #90 of 148
Checking back in to see how you are doing.
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