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My 12 year old hates me...what should I do? - Page 3

post #21 of 27
Blah! I see it as a rite of passage. I'm going through DDs drama-phase.
post #22 of 27

I have no idea what I'm doing! I too work all the time and my husband is home but when i am around - I'm clearly not wanted. Not only do i get the awful fits but I get made fun of -to my face! So hurt cause I am trying so hard to create great memories for my children and our family and it is always ruined by hurt and I know this is wrong but I just took off in my car and left the 12 year old and my 8 year old with my husband while the whole time i was getting nasty text messages from my 12 year old daughter on how I am such a bad Mom. I have zero tolerance for abuse and that is what she is doing. I never did this to my parents- always respectful! Never would want to hurt my Mom or Dad.  I am sooooo confused! I HAVE TRIED EVERYTHING - nothing-just nothing! I guess this is why I run away! I have no ideas on how to fix any of this!

post #23 of 27
Kids these days are spoiled. I'm new on here and I know you don't know me from anything, but I've had 2 boys that were great, although sometimes very rotten.....ha.

When we hit the teen years, I told my boys that breaking away from my apron strings was normal, eye rolling, I took a tiny bit of back talk, etc, but not much.... I would let it go especially if I thought they were just blowing off steam about something else. And I told them that....it's natural for teens, but I wont take very much, so watch it!
They actually use us mommas (their anchor) to take it all out on because they KNOW we will still love them when it's all over. At the time though when it got way out of hand I would just say "I want you here, but if you don't like it, you're more than welcome to find a place that will make you happy."
The first defense though is a daddy that is intimidating. He should just be able to walk into a room and with his presence alone, the BS stop immediately.
We had two rules. You must obey, and you must be respectful. Everything basically falls into those two categories. When dad was gone though, omg, the fusses my eldest could start with me....the arguing, I was so young myself and had no clue how to handle this, me and my boy adoredeachother...... I just fell right into arguing back like we were equals, and really we are NOT. Even at age 16 this boy took swats from dad for disobeying me and yelling at me about some stupid thing, he yelled at me in front of hisfriendtoo which made it 100 times worse.....Well, dad was a coach, he just said "meet me at the field house at 8 am tomorrow morning." That is way too old for corporal punishment but for the crappola we were taking off this kid, it seemed like it might bring him down a notch or two. It did. I remember one time crying so hard and just heartbroken over some terrible rude shouting screaming session he had just put me through, I got a belt and beat the crap out of a dresser. After a few minutes I cried it out. You want to just tear them apart, I know! How dare they? And here I was serving on the county child welfare board, I loved children. But at that moment......anyway I'm here to listen if you need a sounding board.
post #24 of 27
Quote:
Originally Posted by omgthislife View Post

I have no idea what I'm doing! I too work all the time and my husband is home but when i am around - I'm clearly not wanted. Not only do i get the awful fits but I get made fun of -to my face! So hurt cause I am trying so hard to create great memories for my children and our family and it is always ruined by hurt and I know this is wrong but I just took off in my car and left the 12 year old and my 8 year old with my husband while the whole time i was getting nasty text messages from my 12 year old daughter on how I am such a bad Mom. I have zero tolerance for abuse and that is what she is doing. I never did this to my parents- always respectful! Never would want to hurt my Mom or Dad.  I am sooooo confused! I HAVE TRIED EVERYTHING - nothing-just nothing! I guess this is why I run away! I have no ideas on how to fix any of this!

Ok as for this, my daughter would not have a cell phone if she texted/called/said anything hateful to me. Both you and your husband need to put your foot down.

 

To the OP I have a 14 almost 15 year old and I'm pretty sure she hates me most of the time because I "don't let her do anything". First thing is I NEVER argue with her. I acknowledge her issue/complaint and state what I have to say. Any That's Not Fair or I always have to do everything or but I just cleaned XYZ or whatever her argument falls on deaf ears. I have told her that my job is not to be her friend. My job is to raise a productive member of society. She is entitled to food, clothing, shelter and education. Nothing more. If that means that clothing comes from consignment stores or Goodwill then so be it. She only needs clothing that fits and that is not nasty. 

 

Her cell phone, computer privilages, time with friends are all luxuries and not a right. One example is she has been wanting a laptop. I told her to save her allowance and to ask grandparents for money for Christmas/birthday so that she could save up for one. NOPE. She found some other crap she wanted to spend the money on and expected her grandmother to buy her a laptop as a gift. UM NO! I told her grandparents that if anyone gave her a laptop I would take it back. I then explained that she thought someone else should give it to her so she could spend her saved money elsewhere. Uh sorry, no. If the laptop isn't important enough for you to purchase on your own then you don't get it.

 

Another example is that she was up until 1:30am on a school night this week talking on her cellphone. Know where that phone is now? In my dresser drawer. 

 

Check out CMT's World Strictest Parents. You might could find some clips/episodes on youtube. These parents have taken out everything but the mattress and a set of sheets and the kids are given a set of clothes that the parents select every morning. They often have to work on farms or help out elderly people in order to teach them the world is not all about them. 

 

Oh and don't get me started about grades. Good grades are a result of working hard and your reward is being allowed to play sports or hang out with friends. THAT is why a lot of schools have a NO PASS NO PLAY rule. Just saying. Okay, off my soapbox.

post #25 of 27

I have a 13 year old dd. Haven't had many problems....yet.  I can see the teenage things coming to the surface though.  I am having more of the "its all about me" issues than anything else.  She is in the stage where they  make plans and then inform us instead of asking us about what they want to do.  OHHHH yeah, I nipped that in the bud.... ASAP!  I will say this. She knows I will read what I want to read at any moment, cell phone, email, skype conversations etc.  I have all her password to all her accounts and my hubby and I do scan through them from time to time.  Now I wouldn't read her diary unless I thought she was up to something that could hurt her...then all bets are off.  Just waiting for the ball to drop!...lol

post #26 of 27

I have a teenage girl as well.  She'll be 14 this fall and went through puberty on the young side, so we've been dealing with "attitude" for at least a couple years now.  I don't have it all figured out either.   Some days she "hates" me, other days I'm "the best mom in the world."  It pretty much revolves around whether or not I've let her do the things she wants to do.  ;)  So, I know she probably doesn't really mean either of those things, so I take those outbursts with a grain of salt.   

 

Some days I know I fall into bad parenting habits like allowing her to suck me in to an argument.  I agree, the best thing to not argue back.  We do expect certain behaviors and a reasonable amount of respect.  If she's crossed a line, there are consequences.   The privileges go away (right now she is grounded from iPad and computer for disrespecting us).

 

As far as spoiling, I think that having them pay for a lot of their own stuff really helps.  Our dd has to pay half her cell phone bill each month.  She gets a budget for clothing instead of having us buy her things, so she has been making good choices about shopping secondhand.  However, sometimes I still get the spoiled attitude a little bit - mainly because she sees that her friends often get more than she does without having to work for it.  I think as long as you're doing the right things eventually they come around.   Also, we have both kids help with household chores.  They know that in order to live in our household they need to pitch in and help.

 

These years are all about picking your battles and being there to guide them along the right path.  I've talked to enough moms who have "been there, done that" to know that somewhere around 17 or 18 years old they turn around.  

post #27 of 27

been threw it 3 times but with 11 brothers they are spoiled rottten  Laney was an old soul  she was a joy she an RN

Mother to 10  two grown  and the rest young she is adopted and she adopted 

Carole Anne is  an accountant she is amazing she a great mother to 3 and she works at the church store with me

last my DD Sarah 's 17 she in college  pre engaged  she speaks Spanish fluently  has a gift for language  she translets for the

Latino's in town she works with DDS helping latinos she sings like an Angel  her and her brothers  Sing at wedding , furneals , and tomorrow

she sing at the parade .

she is 17 and the only crazy thing with her is she wanted her ears done she went to Walmart  

oh well has two pricing .

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