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How to know when enough is enough-marriage

post #1 of 29
Thread Starter 
Well I have to admit I am embarased to even by typing this on here but really need to talk to someowe about what is going on. DH and I have been married just over 11 years now and we have one DS who is 10.

Things came to blows this weekend while our son was staying at my sisters house and thank goodness he was not there to see it. We have had what you call a marriage of conveience for some time. We share the house and bills but that is about it. Things are tense at home all of the time even on a good day. He is lazy a constant liar and puts us down all of the time. He refuses to help with anything and will not do the slightest of chores for himself. For instance last night he ate the leftovers out of the fridge and left the contain, fork, drink, and crumbs all over the counter for me to clean up today. He is constantly calling our son and I names (most should never be heard in front of children)!

He does work full time outside the home but resents having to come home and help. I work a full time job, a part time job, and take our son to everything and do all school work with him. DH is not involved at all -- or the few games he did attend he just yelled at him and told him how bad he did. Every day DS and I get up at 5:30 to get chores done (we live on a farm) and DH just keeps on sleeping and yells because we turn on the light or make noise. Animals have to be fed before school there is no way around that. I am so happy DS knows this and does his part to help out or honestly I would have gone crazy a long time ago!

Our son does suffer from ADHD and is on medicine for it along with us limiting sugar and junk food. But he does still have is days where he does not listen and has to be told over and over. Yes I get frustrated and have even yelled at him a few times when were were in the stock pens since not paying attention in there could very easily get you hurt. DH yells at him all of the time and puts him down on everything. Lately he has been threatening him over the dumbest stuff. The other day we were in the garage doing our chores and headed back in when DH came storming out the door. I was telling DS for the 3rd time to close up the feed bins and without warning DH came over and grabbed him by the neck area. Oh God it even sounds worse when I type it here. I ran over and had a huge fight with DH about it and he screamed at me before storming off to work. By this point he had let go of him and he was in the house. I checked on him right away and he was fine. DH never said a word about it. Ok so ds was not listening but give me a break there was NEVER a call for that. Do I get frustrated yes - do I raise my voice with him when I shouldnt - yes. But I would NEVER do that NOT EVER!

There has been a few other times he has grabbed him hard by the arm but I have always been there to stop him. With me it has always just been a push out of the way or name calling. Until Saturday AM. Remember we were home by ourselves. I could not sleep well the night before and was up at 5 quietly doing chores in my room, outside, laundry, dishes, etc. He woke up and was very cranky to be up before 8 since I was making to much noise. Laundry has to be done on Sat and Sun since I use the clothes line and if I have it all out by 7 it is dry by 10 which is about when they go to the fields around here and the dust gets stirred up.

So he gets up and I am working on carrying boxes in from the garage to take down stairs. He just watches me for about 15 mintues never offering to help carry anything. That is fine used to that. Next thing I know he grabs the last boxes and heads down stairs. I told him it needed to be unpacked in the kitchen and he starts yelling I should have told him that! Ok my fault. So I walk into my now clean kitchen (that was one of the rooms I did that day) and see he put the dirty box on the island and his breakfast dishes were everwhere. I was not in the best of moods I admit and grabbed the box off the island counter and told him it was dirty and I just cleaned the counter. I went over to the fridge and started getting an egg order together for him to deliver on his way to work and the next thing I know I am getting screamed at and he throws his glass at me in the face. The glass missed me and it was plastic but the drink went everywhere! In the fridge, over the eggs, on 2 walls, floor, cabinets, you name it. He screamed some more about how all I do is complain and started for the door.

I guess at this point I was either in shock or had lost all of my little brian. Becuase I hoped up and went to the door to ask him what the problem was. He was halfway out and I grabbed for the door. Why did I not just stay in the fridge! He slams the door back into me used a few more choice words and left for the day.

We have not spoken a word since that moment.

So I called my sister and talked just about his lack of help but did not mention his other things. She said DS feels like he needs to protect me and asked my sister why his dad lies all of the time. He had already discussed most of the happenings with her which made my conversation easier I guess in one way but harder in another - if that makes sense. For age 10 he is very smart and can see what is going on. When he is with his dad and dad tells a story he will correct him (which is not a good idea) and it will set him off. The tells DS he is a know it all and to shut up. Even though DS is 110% correct and that was not how something happened.

I just looked up and I am sorry I have typed this message so long. I just needed somewhere or someone to listen. I just dont know what to do. I want DS to have a father figure but not like this. There is so much more to this store but I have taken up enough space already. Thank you for listening and sorry about the long rant/whine post.
post #2 of 29
It sounds like you need to get out now! I'm sorry he is being this way towards you and i think if you stay it will only get worse. It's not good for you or your son. I know you want a father figure for your son, but he's no father!
post #3 of 29
Your husband is a bully, plain and simple.

Your son is having to be way far mature than any child his age should be and he is hearing and seeing far to much for a child his age.

You need to get help from either a shelter for abused women or a family member.

Your husband needs to go for counseling and anger managment ASAP.

This time he threw a glass (which is not ACCEPTABLE at all) but next time it could be something 10 times worst, and you might not be able to walk away.

You really need to get away and protect your son.

Good Luck!
post #4 of 29
Unless you can convince your dh to go in for some type of counseling for his anger, I think it's time for you to leave. Grabbing your ds by the neck? Throwing a cup at you? Slamming a door into you? This is abuse, plain and simple.
post #5 of 29
Please do not be embarassed. I find MS is a great place to "vent" and receive support from other women. It sounds to me like DH needs some anger management. Would he agree to counseling? Him throwing a plastic glass at you concerns me. And it doesn't matter if it was plastic or glass, you do not deserve that at all. I wish I had words of wisdom but all I can offer is that you are a great mother and wife and deserve to be with someone who will appreciate that.
post #6 of 29
I have been where you are now....it's time to get your plan in order, getting all your financial records, birth certificates, and any other important info together and make a move to protect your child. He will be the reason you leave, even though you know that you are also being abused. Call your local battered women's shelter...they will help you become independent, and move on to a much happier life.
post #7 of 29
Change the locks and kick him out. That is no father figure for your son. Staying together for the sake of the child is the worst thing. I have not seen anything in that entire post that indicates that you have a marriage, or that there is love there. You have a tenant who expects to be cleaned up after, catered to, and who expects to be able to treat you any way he likes. What is he bringing to the table? Dr. Joy Brown on the radio often asks if money were not an issue, would you stay in the marriage? I'm sorry to say that, from what you wrote, enough is enough. If he went to counseling during a separation and showed interest in wanting to work on the marriage, that's one thing. But I have a feeling he doesn't. He just wants to control you. Change the locks. Move half of whatever is in the bank into an account in your own name.
post #8 of 29
If you are asking if your husband has crossed the line to physical abuse serious enough to justify a divorce, my answer would be yes. Unless he is willing to change, it will get worse. The key is that your DS now feels he must protect you.

Be careful, this is the time where abused women (and their children) are most likely to be seriously injured (mamed or killed). The abuser doesn't like to lose control and if he suspects you're leaving or getting a divorce his behavior can escalate quickly. You CAN stay on the property as most of the time as soon as you file for a divorce a protection order is immediately apart of the package. However, that piece of paper only offers you protection DH is willing to follow it. As you may fear, most abuser don't.
post #9 of 29
I agree with the other ladies. You need to leave and leave now. The abuse only gets worse, not better. I know it is overwhelming to leave and scary even in your situation but you need to find the strength to leave, if not for yourself, for your son. Please don't ever leave your son alone with this man either. As for changing the locks, if there are windows to break, he can to enter the house and he sounds like the type that would. And it sounds like you live in a rural area where it could take time for the cops to come out. Please go to a shelter and find another place to live. I say enough is enough in your relationship. I would even plan on a restraining order. I'm sending you positive and strength vibes. Please keep us updated on how you are. I won't be able to get you out of my mind now.
post #10 of 29
Thread Starter 
Thank you to everyone for the kind post. I know you are all right and know that is why I posted here today. Sometimes you just need to hear it from someone else to know it is true. Sounds dumb I know. I never leave DS with DH alone for any reason. I will make some calls today and see if I can start getting things in order. The banks are closed today but thank heavens we already have seperate accounts. I located a nice group(social service) that had some great ideas and checklist on line. At first I kept thinking to myself as she was talking -- This is not me I am not in that kind of a situation. He has never actually hit me. Until she explained if he has not he will and Saturday was just proof of that.

I am not sure if I should stay at the house or go somewhere else. I need to talk to my sister. I dont really want to take him out of school and away from his friends. I have been tucking some emergency cash away but would feel better if that was a lot more. I will need to sell some livestock rather quickly as I could not take them with us. That will include DS horse. I know he will be heartbroken. We are in a rural community and police response time would be at least 20 minutes here on a good night with the county.

Does anyone know if as part of a divorce can list he has to carry health insurance on DS through his office? DS has medical problems from birth and one eye issue from an acciedent years ago. The medical bills without insurance would bankrupt me 100 times over. He has 5 spec we see all of the time.
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