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I need help with not letting what people say bother me.

post #1 of 17
Thread Starter 
How do you not let what people say or do bother you? Everyone tells me that I just let things bother me too much but I don't know how to stop. I want the relationships with my family and friends to be good and when they do or say something to me, dh or even to my boys that is rude than it hurts.

I know this may sound silly to ask but I really want to just live my life and be happy regardless of what people say or think of me. I find myself always trying to make others happy at my own expense. With the holidays coming up it just gets worse. I know it's supposed to be a time to be happy but I just feel tense all the time.

So I guess I was just wondering how to just let it go and move on. I know some people say they just keep busy working and cleaning the house etc. Some like dh just don't let what people think or do bother them. Please I want to know your secret. I asked dh and he just says he just doesn't care and that's just part of his personality. I need more help than that.
post #2 of 17
I think much of how we perceive our life is how we CHOSE to perceive it. My DH has this saying he uses that "people see what they want to see". In other words, two people could say the same thing to someone. But if they have a good relationship with one person they'll not think anything about it, but if they already have negative thoughts about the second person then they'll "read into" the comment and see bad things. I'm not sure how you "teach" someone the behavior of being positive. I know I can get my feelings hurt pretty easily, but then I just move on.

I do think people who have a more optimistic way of viewing life and not always seeing the bad are happier people. Again....not sure how to teach that skill. Maybe others will have better suggestions.
post #3 of 17
I don't let what anyone says bother me. Life is just too short and my time is precious. Because DH and DS are disabled, I get all kinds of opinions. You just have to smile and think to yourself that most people who give their opinions have no control over their own lives and need to control someones. My MIL is famous for her "thoughts" on how I am raising my kids wrong, I should force DH to lose weight or I don't follow her "bible". Remember- no own can know you or your family better than you.
post #4 of 17
Sometimes, when things really bug me and I can't get it off my mind (mind you this is rare for me) I'll give myself a time limit, like 2 hours, and then I'm done with it. In a lot of ways, you really have to become comfortable with yourself and once you're good there ... then it really doesn't matter what someone else says because you know where you stand.

Good luck.
post #5 of 17
I promise that I don't mean this to sound pithy or trite, but the truth is that you have to find your own self-worth. I have found that the times in my life when I was the most sensitive were the times when I had the lowest self-esteem. As an individual, away from the roles you play for others, how do you view yourself? This is where I think the problem typically roots itself.

BTW You have great just have to be the one to know that.
post #6 of 17
I was raised by a nanny who always taught me that "others will treat you and preceive you as you preceive yourself".

If you act timid and unconfidence that is how people will see you and treat you. If you act full of confidence and it control that is how you will be treated.

The first thing is to change how you view yourself. Then for the next couple of times when people treat you like you don't want to be treated, you are going to have to speak up. After a couple times of this people will start treating you differently and than means not saying out of the way things to you.

Also remember some people have no purpose in life, other than putting other people down. And if they weren't talking about you it would be somebody else.
post #7 of 17
It has to do with maturity. Now don't take that as an insult. It is simply something you really can't control. I used to be the same way.

I was raised in a house with a mother who was schizophrenic so she wasn't emotionally available and life was never certain. I grew up taking the 'emotional temperature' of the household all the time. I also grew up wondering what I was doing wrong to have caused all the chaos. The result was I tried to always be perfect in order to fix things.

Many children grow up in similar circumstances and you don't need a schizophrenic parent to cause it. Sometimes it is just one child of the family that takes on the emotional responsibility for everyone else. In my case, the perfectionism resulted in me becoming anorexic, hyper-organized and highly anxious - almost to the exclusion of everything else. Of course, there are times when employers love people who are hyper-diligent so I could LOOK like I was succeeding but I was never happy.

Back in the 80's the corporation where I worked, forced all the employees to go through a "Seven Habits of Highly Effective People" seminar. I had already read the book so I didn't think I needed the experience, but it really turned out to be life-changing for me. All those self-improvement books I had read over the years suddenly fell by the wayside. My hyper-diligence and anxiety stopped! Family and friends started to notice and make comments about the improvement. (Funny, but it didn't help my employer any since I also immediately changed my work-aholic attitudes, too.)

Years later, I was further helped by going to a talk therapist who specialized in a technique called EMDR. That therapy helped erase some of the post-traumatic stress from which I also suffered.

Am I recommending that you attend a Seven Habits seminar? Not necessarily. However, I am recommending that you check the book out of the library and dedicate a month or two to solidifying your values, priorities and goals. Once your core values are clear, it will be very difficult for someone else to sway you from them.

Okay, so that was a very long answer to get to the conclusion of ... "If you don't believe in anything, you'll fall for everything." Be firm in your values and it won't matter what other people think.
post #8 of 17
Thread Starter 
Thanks I needed that ladies! I took something from each of your posts and it has helped me today. I do have low self esteem and I attribute that to the fact that I was and still am picked on a lot in my family. I am the youngest of four but the age difference is big. There is 11 years difference between me and my youngest sis. Everyone thinks they need to tell me how I should run my life. If I truly thought it was because they just cared for me it would be different but I just think they want to always one up me to make them feel important and better.

Growing up I did live with a mother that was unstable. I always wanted to make everyone laugh and just be happy. I still find myself doing this when dh gets angry I just try to joke to make him laugh. I want peace not chaos in my home. Recently I have made the decision to quit going to a legalistic church that I was raised in because I just felt I had enough of it. I still love God and I want to have values in my life. I know the Bible says that a double-minded man is unstable in all his ways. I feel like that at times just trying to please everyone but it's time for me to figure out what I want out of life!
post #9 of 17
Originally Posted by Princess1 View Post

I still love God and I want to have values in my life. I know the Bible says that a double-minded man is unstable in all his ways. I feel like that at times just trying to please everyone but it's time for me to figure out what I want out of life!

It doesn't sound like you are being double-minded at all. It sounds to me like you are just beginning to realize your worth. And, being familiar with the Bible, you know, "God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them." That includes you!

Bringing lies (like being made to feel like your of less worth) out of the darkness and into the light isn't being double-minded. Don't even believe that for one minute.

OK...I'll step down from the pulpit now...
post #10 of 17
I am working at this too. There are certain topics that I am particularly sensitive too and get hurt more easily when someone says something about that topic.

Example. I'm not a great cook and not a great singer. If someone said something negative about either issue, it's not a huge deal.

However ... I am sensitive about my weight. My BMI is 22 (right in the normal range) and yet my in-laws who are all underweight constantly make comments about my weight and what diet they think I should try and comments about my slow metabolism, and how ds (who is a little chunky) takes after me. Dh does defend me but it's really bad and very hurtful. I don't know how to let it stop bothering me.

Also my faith is very important to me and last time I saw her one of my SIL said, "I can't believe anyone would be so stupid ..." in reference to something I shared with her when she asked me directly about what I believed. I was really hurt by that too and wasn't sure how to just let it go. I just try to see her as infrequently as humanly possible.
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